OK so… I slept with Leah Culver. This isn’t a bel-air or copypasta.

I’m not going to tell you who I am, but I’m a lead developer at a relatively new startup which recently (thank god in today’s climate) got some decent funding from a VC. Techcrunch covered us, so if you want to do some digging maybe you can guess.

But I digress. A few weeks (months?) ago I met Leah at a conference, and the way she acts around all men is over-the-top flirtatious. I mean, it’s really bad. The worst part is that most of us programmer types don’t even know what to do with her… but of course, the CEOs, MBAs, marketing-types are all over her. Most of those guys are really smooth with women, I guess you have to have great social skills all around.

Anyways, as it turns out Leah isn’t into that kind of a guy. I’m sure you’ve heard that nerds are much more grateful to get laid, actually try in bed, etc. So maybe that’s why she likes the socially awkward types so much.

Since I really didn’t think I had a chance at the time, I was really acting naturally around her, as opposed to some of the other guys who just choked up. We really hit it off, and before I knew it we were back at my hotel room.

I’ve gotta say she wasn’t so great in bed. I haven’t been with that many women in my life but I can tell good sex from bad sex.

I haven’t seen her since, and (unfortunately?) we didn’t keep in touch. She didn’t ask me for any favors or try to “advance her career”. I think she genuinely likes banging dorks.

And I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.

I weeped (and fapped gently) to the thought of someone soiling my princess. At least Haskell will always be pure forever ;_;

(emphasis mine)

Goddamn this post was fucking epic –

And then there’s Haskell…

Haskell is like “that girl.” You know the one…

You never really went steady, but you’d run into her from time to
time while knocking around in disreputable joints, usually late at
night, every several months or so. She looked so hot, so sleek, so
sexy, so expressive, so exotic. You’d end up back at her place and
the night would just… take off. A complete blur of hot, sweaty,
feverish, delirious, fumbling passion. You’d do things to each
other… you’d do things to her, she’d do things to you… things
that you’re not even sure have names, that you’re pretty sure are
illegal almost anywhere. Even her kinks have kinks — and after one
of these nights, you’d realize that you yourself had a lot more kinks
than you. And it wasn’t just physical, it was — cerebral.
Ethereal. Transcendent. But it would all whiz by in a blur, and by
morning you’d find yourself lightheaded, a bit confused, and
stumbling homeward to your regular gal.

Over the next few days and weeks you’d find yourself occasionally
drifting away, thinking about her. Haskell. You’d be there, banging
away at your regular girl, and find yourself thinking “you know, if I
was with Haskell, I’d be doing this completely differently.” You’d
think “I could be doing so much bigger and better stuff with
Haskell.” Now, your regular girl, she’s not as exotic as Haskell.
Pretty, maybe, if you’re lucky. (Perhaps your regular girlfriend’s
name is Python. ;-) But not nearly as — weird. Wild. Cool.
Exciting. Don’t get me wrong — your girl, she’s wonderful. You’ve
got a wonderful relationship. She’s — comfortable. You can bang
away at her all day and night. She’s accommodating. Easy going.
You work well together. But — confidentially — she’s, well,
maybe just a little bit boring. You’d catch yourself thinking these
things, and the guilty pangs would get to you… You’d quash the
thoughts, buckle down, and get back to banging away. Comfortable…
there’s a lot to be said for that, ya know? Comfortable… just
keep telling yourself that.

Months would go by. Late some night you’d find yourself out,
disreputable places again. Maybe that hacker bar, LtU. Somebody’d
slip you an URL for some renegade paper, you know, one of *those*
papers. You’d run into Haskell again. And the whole thing starts over.

Eventually, you’re going to get the ultimatum. Haskell’s ultimately
just like any other girl on some level; she needs commitment.
Eventually, after one night of wild, feverish, kinky, abstract
passion, she’s going to say to you: “All these times, and you don’t
understand me at all! You know, you’re going to have to get serious,
mister! I’ve got needs, too. You’re going to have to get serious
about my monads, or that’s the last time you’re going to play with
them! Got it?”

…and then, you’ve got to make The Choice.

Chances are, you’re going to go back to your regular gal. Haskell’s
just too much for any one man, probably. She leaves a trail of
broken, brainy, embittered PhDs and former programmers behind her.
She ruins you for the RealWorld. You can ride a while, but you
probably can’t go the distance with her. Go back to your regular gal
and try not to think too much about what you’ve seen. Done. Felt.
Thought.

Maybe you can salvage a little happiness; but it’ll be hard. After
all… you’ve tasted Haskell.

She’s not like anything else.

“Knights of the Lambda Calculus”

It’s kind of hard to come up with original content when all my machines are dead until I go back home in mid-January :(

Mega size is a great force

At last you’ve got a babe that’s hot
You wanna nail her tasteful twat
She’s cute and taking, she’s so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will yearn for more?
You need a wang she would adore!
But how to raise it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You’ll get so wanted super-size
And see wild craving in her eyes!
Your rod will stuff her pink so deep,
Tonight you’ll hardly fall asleep.

So try today this magic p’ill,
And change your life at your own will!