The random rantings of a concerned programmer.

May 6

How To Survive In a Horror Flick

Category: Random

Or, what protagonists do wrong.

Seriously. Every fucking horror flick I watch pisses me off to no goddamn end. The protagonists are fucking stupid, with very few exceptions. There’s three fucking things that the writers always seem to fucking ignore (either because it would break the fucking plot or because they’re too fucking stupid, I don’t know).

1. EVERYTHING IS A WEAPON

Fucking seriously. Got something long and rigid? It’s a weapon. Got a mirror? It’s a weapon. Got a piece of furniture? It’s a weapon. Fuck got your little sister? She’s a fucking weapon too (though that lamp or that glassware or that beer bottle or HALF THE FUCKING THINGS IN THE ROOM WORK BETTER THAN WHATEVER THE PROTAGONIST IS WIELDING).

2. WHEN IN DOUBT SET SHIT ON FIRE

There’s nothing like A FUCKING INFERNO to confuse the fuck out of your predators. Trapped in a hotel room? FUCKING SET THE ROOM ON FIRE. Being chased around in a forest? FUCKING SET THE FOREST ON FIRE. Fucking everything is flammable; there’s no reason you can’t stop fucking crying and start fucking burning.

As an added bonus, it’ll attract the police.

3. IT’S EASY AS FUCK TO HIDE AT NIGHT

Unless the predator has bloodhounds, the nose of a bloodhound or fucking thermographic vision (ie, he’s pretty much JUST A NORMAL PERSON) he CAN’T SEE SHIT AT NIGHT. It’s FUCKING DARK OUT AFTER ALL. Need to hide somewhere at night? Just jump into a fucking bush. The bigger and leafier the better. I fucking guarantee you that if there are enough fucking bushes (and you’re not doing stupid shit like making farting noises or bawing your eyes out) no one is going to fucking find you until morning.

CONCLUSION

WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT.

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11 comments

11 Comments so far

  1. Anonymous May 6th, 2009 5:59 pm

    Where are my Haskell rants Taro
    You said there will be Haskell rants

  2. Anonymous May 6th, 2009 6:00 pm

    oh god I fail so much

  3. Eksopl May 6th, 2009 6:18 pm

    People still see horror movies?

    It’s possibly the dumbest genre of movies out there.

  4. BAMPU PANTSU MEME FAN May 6th, 2009 6:59 pm

    Zombies can’t catch you if you’re on fire.

  5. HMA MEME FAN May 7th, 2009 12:41 am

    NO EXCEPTIONS

  6. Taro May 7th, 2009 8:06 am

    > You said there will be Haskell rants

    I haven’t written a line of Haskell in weeks!

  7. Anonymous May 7th, 2009 2:12 pm

    You don’t have to code in Haskell, just rant about it and I’ll be happy.

  8. Sidetalking Anus May 7th, 2009 9:03 pm

    You should come back to the Adventure. There’s been some… changes.

  9. Andrew Russell May 7th, 2009 9:09 pm

    - EVERYTHING IS A WEAPON
    - WHEN IN DOUBT SET SHIT ON FIRE
    - IT’S EASY AS FUCK TO HIDE AT NIGHT

    This is the greatest game design document ever written in the history of ever!

  10. Taro May 8th, 2009 7:35 am

    Now that you mention it, ohmygod I think you might be on to something. I’d totally play that game.

  11. nm May 8th, 2009 11:10 am

    You know what’s stupid? Zombies.

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