Or, what protagonists do wrong.
Seriously. Every fucking horror flick I watch pisses me off to no goddamn end. The protagonists are fucking stupid, with very few exceptions. There’s three fucking things that the writers always seem to fucking ignore (either because it would break the fucking plot or because they’re too fucking stupid, I don’t know).
1. EVERYTHING IS A WEAPON
Fucking seriously. Got something long and rigid? It’s a weapon. Got a mirror? It’s a weapon. Got a piece of furniture? It’s a weapon. Fuck got your little sister? She’s a fucking weapon too (though that lamp or that glassware or that beer bottle or HALF THE FUCKING THINGS IN THE ROOM WORK BETTER THAN WHATEVER THE PROTAGONIST IS WIELDING).
2. WHEN IN DOUBT SET SHIT ON FIRE
There’s nothing like A FUCKING INFERNO to confuse the fuck out of your predators. Trapped in a hotel room? FUCKING SET THE ROOM ON FIRE. Being chased around in a forest? FUCKING SET THE FOREST ON FIRE. Fucking everything is flammable; there’s no reason you can’t stop fucking crying and start fucking burning.
As an added bonus, it’ll attract the police.
3. IT’S EASY AS FUCK TO HIDE AT NIGHT
Unless the predator has bloodhounds, the nose of a bloodhound or fucking thermographic vision (ie, he’s pretty much JUST A NORMAL PERSON) he CAN’T SEE SHIT AT NIGHT. It’s FUCKING DARK OUT AFTER ALL. Need to hide somewhere at night? Just jump into a fucking bush. The bigger and leafier the better. I fucking guarantee you that if there are enough fucking bushes (and you’re not doing stupid shit like making farting noises or bawing your eyes out) no one is going to fucking find you until morning.
WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT.
Tagged with: hbo can eat my dick, horror flicks, rage, stupid bullshit
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